Hello everyone, my name is *censored* and today I’ll be demoing a new startup called Kwaly. This is an exciting new business venture that I believe has the potential to totally reinvent how we go about making the world a better place through impotent and symbolic activity in the virtual spaces we create to escape the hellish realities of our everyday modern existences.
The challenge of moderating hateful, hurtful, and harmful comments posted on social media platforms has become a job that not even the most advanced deep learning AIs are up to tackling. The amount of hateful rhetoric generated by online trolls has surpassed all previously known levels. Recent research by certified experts in hate speech have revealed that trolls are now using clone farms to mass produce online combatants for the meme wars. These clone children are raised on an accelerated diet of anti-immigrant memes and misogynistic video games until they become the perfect online warriors. In the basements of some midwestern homes it is currently estimated that cells of 20–30 clones are operating autonomously to harass women ceos online and share information about non-soy based dietary possibilities with terrifying alacrity.
Needless to say, it is our responsibility, as responsible members of society, and as responsible leaders of our socially conscious and very responsible industry, to do everything in our power to curb the rise of hate among people who share screen captures of anime episodes anonymously on the internet. How though? How can we go about making the world a better place when the world seems so intent on being an inherently miserable one. Simple: a revolutionary new social media app that will change forever how the ideas the rest of humanity are exposed to can be controlled by a morally superior enclave of progressive thoughtleaders. I don’t know about you guys, but I have goosebumps at all the progress I can feel us making together in this room right now.
*gratuitous closeup shots of goosepimples rippling across flesh*
Imagine if you didn’t need to employ AI coders to design algorithms for you to stamp out content that disagreed with your delicate sensibilities. It’s a fact that most computer programmers are men, and that they are trained to become rapid misogynists by patriarchal STEM programs at major universities across the world. Why this is the case is something virtue researchers have spent tens of billions of tax payer dollars investigating to no avail. Recent studies have shown however that computers are haunted, and that their so-called ‘logic’ boards function by means of necromancy. The dead spirit of white male Aristotle is actually conjured in the tangling rivulets of electricity, emerging into the cold exterior of the computer to entice it to life using the siphoned strength of oppressed POC who hail from once proud cultures unable to resist the dominion of Western Logic.
This should, about now, terrify any progressive individual who at all believes in ethically sourced computation. It is estimated that computers will replace 90% of the labor on Earth by 2018, but can computers be socially conscious? Can an algorithm feel suitably outraged to really fight hate? The idea that white computer programmers can dispatch their AI minions to combat hateful speech online while sitting on the sidelines sipping soylent is a deeply problematic one. Only humans can resist hate, because only humans are capable of anti-rational outrage unconstrained by the cursed phantom of imperialistic western logic.
It is therefore, our belief at Kwaly, that a new solution is required, one that puts humans back in the equation.
Before you is a prototype space where you will have the ability to participate first hand in Kwaly’s revolutionary new social stigmitization technology. Take a seat at one of the stations before you and let’s get to work.
The first thing you’ll notice is that there’s no escape. The confining walls of the work stations provide maximum isolation, which will help ensure that the freedom fighters we employ in the dismantling of fascism will remain concentrated on their tasks. Currently in development for future phases is an invisible fence system which will interact with a biometric data collection ankle band. We must be tireless in our quest to eradicate evil, to not spur our employees on to the highest peak of vigilance would be immoral. I’m sure everyone in this room today will readily concede this point.
If you look at your desk you’ll see the implements which you will wield in the total annihilation of regressivism, scissors, shredders, tape, white out, markers. These are the Kwaly toolkit. Like I said, our approach is somewhat… different. Rather than use hyper intelligent computer entities to automatically monitor and eviscerate hate thought, we put censorship back into the hands of the people. Your hands. The hands of the worker. Here we will manually deconstruct every problematic post and tweet on social media in a way that harnesses the power of crowds, of microtransactions, of organizational psychology. No rank fascist tweet or hateful crypto-nazi anime post will be left unblemished, all will be defaced by the hands of a loving, caring human being.
In another room of the Kwaly offices, right now, over 500 migrant workers on temporary visas are toiling away scouring the net for offensive and hateful content. One by one they pluck them like sick fruits from the tree of hate. They are then printed by recent college graduates being paid in experience, and they are brought to you like grapes of wrath to be trodden on beneath the boot of freedom to make a sweet and delicious wine of human liberation. Congratulations, by defacing just one of these printouts you have saved mankind entire. Altright trolls have called Kwaly a makework slavefarm, but it is just those kinds of people we are here to do battle with, it is just those complaints we are here to destroy, so feel good about doing so friends.
Take up the scissors and cut, here watch me:
*Gratuitous stock footage of scissors cutting paper with sanitized stock music*
Or, if you’re feeling bold, take the marker, and blot out every word that hurts your feelings, every sentence that makes you feel unsafe to be who you are, whether you’re trans, or gay, or a latino moonman, or a cryptid, who prowls the woods at night in search of small prey to devour before taking off into the dusk never to be heard from again. Kwaly believes strongly in diversity in the workplace. We are, after all, governed by no fewer than 90 female CEOs. So no matter who you are, we believe we can all come together to work for rock bottom wages suppressing thoughts.
Another thing you could do, and watch me, is you could crumple the offending material into a ball, and wrap it up tight in tape, like so, in order that it shall never been seen again by human eyes.
Now some of you might, at this point, be asking, how does this prevent this material from being seen online, aren’t you only destroying copies? But it is through copies that ideas reproduce, and the symbolic act of subverting their insidious reproduction carries with it an equivalence to the act of destruction in virtual space, which is, after all, only an extension of the symbolic world created by man.
This is the beauty of the Kwaly business model, this is what makes progress profitable. Like carbon offsets we see ourselves we allow for the ethical operation of social media platforms by offsetting hate with symbolic destruction of offensive content. And this carries with it the weight of reality as something symbolized. There will always be more copies to destroy, and social media platforms will contract out kwaly in proportion for their need to offset the hate generated by the collective trolling of the neo-nazi users who flock to use their apps.
As our loyal Kwaly employees labor away at reducing systematic oppressions to a fine gravel of freedom, they will be rewarded and encouraged with a variety of bonuses for meeting and surpassing their stringent quotas. These will help keep up moral and will include gifts like:
3 full seconds of additional break time for destroying more than 500 racist tweets per hour.
an injection of ethically sourced opium directly into the pupil for every 36 hour consecutive shift worked.
an additional ration of soy in the employee cafeteria if you successfully recruit an entire family of refugees to work for Kwaly
the sweet release of death, in order to celebrate a one year mile stone working for our up and coming startup.
We believe with incentives such as these there will be no shortage of people lining up for exciting job opportunities as part of the kwaly family.
That concludes our demonstration. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is a truly exciting time to be alive, and that we have come closer than ever to healing the wounds of difference with meaningless gestures of compassion sold on an open market. We believe the potential is vast, social media platforms come and go, but hate lingers on, and every app or website that’s concerned about showing how much they hate hate will become eager Kwaly customers. Acres and Acres will be filled with spaces like you see here in this room, each one manned (or womanned) by a caring individual dueling with the forces of hate in real time.
We encourage you to ‘invest’ to Kwaly, if you’re excited about what you’ve seen as we are, by crowdsourcing us at the box near the entrance. Silver level investors will be rewarded with a chance to bed one of the official kwaly interns of their choosing. Gold level donors will earn the still beating heart of one of our female entrepreneurial ceo’s supportive husbands. Just place your investment in the collection tin on your way out and someone will contact you.
Thank you, and have a wonderful day.